Crazy? I was Crazy Once.

Someone asked me once what it was like to be Crazy. I don't mind saying Crazy. Because when your Crazy about something your wrapped up in it. All you can think about is what your Crazy about. All that's in your mind is what your Crazy about. You can't think, eat or sleep.
You may say I'm Crazy for chocolate, Crazy in love, Crazy for Coco puffs....I don't know.
Me, I'm just Crazy in the head. I have always been crazy. My first experienced happened on a water bed, I was 8 years old. All through my child hood I noticed things were different for me then my friends. They never talked about the ideas or thoughts I had in my head. So, I kept them to myself. Never told a soul.
When my Dad died I was 11. Mom was so sick, so I stuffed my feelings & Craziness aside. i had to be a Big Girl now I thought. I had moments off & on. But when Mom died a week before I turned 13 all Hell broke loose.
I was Crazy, anybody with an ounce of common sense could see that I was hurtin' from the inside out.
I am Bipolar, but I wasn't always diagnosed with it, I had a few other diagnosis before I settled into this Bad Boy. Being Bipolar is not for everyone, you must work at it day in & day out.
People wonder aloud to me all the time. What's it like, how do you feel & how can you hide it so well?
I'm going to share...........

Energizer Bunny come on Over!!!

I'm full of I Hop!!! I ate the Country omelet with pancakes. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY! We went out for Mahala's Birthday. She decided that she wanted to go out for breakfast this year, not dinner. Different, but that's okay. The rest of the day we are going to clean the house get ready to watch the football game. While Thanh & Skylar watch the game I will take my nap & Mahala will probably play her new video game. Then tonight we are having hamburgers & watching an old fav. movie.
This damn house is so super small. I swear we clean one area & then the other room is trashed. I think the main problem is we don't have a place for everything. Even though this house is half the size of our old house we don't have a system yet. Does anyone have a system I can borrow, hell one that I can keep! It's crazy, I run around & around to stay ahead. I think I might start Fly Lady again. Has anyone ever tried her? Now that my strength is limited, I might give her a try again.
Speaking about my energy. I spent the day with just Kaden. The older kids stayed home alone & Kaden & I took to the town. We had lunch & went to Target. He was soooooo much fun. I told Thanh that I enjoyed my time with just him. I discovered when I have all of them I am always listening to the older ones & hushing Kaden so I can hear them. I am going to spend a Kaden only day every week now, I spend time daily with just him. But, a whole day I think would mean so much to the both of us.
So, anyway around 4pm I picked the other kids up & we were heading to Sams. I got so exhausted very quickly. I couldn't fight the urge to just relax my arms. I pulled into a park & told them to take Kaden out and play for 10 minutes. Thank goodness the other 2 are so much older. I was snoring immediately. Skylar gave me 20 minutes & I was able to finish the rest of my day. Crazy though, to have your batteries give out like that. I need some Energizers!!!!!

My Wednesday

What was my day like? People want to know what my days look like. I too wonder what people do all day. But, when it's you, you kind of think WTH. What's so interesting about me & my boring life? But, that's just it. To other people I'm just as interesting as the next unknown Mom just trying to go through life without killing her kids. That's right! Killing your children is bad, that's why I choose to medicate. Me....not the children! :-)
An average day for me is not average. I am not average. Want to know something not average?
Wednesday I cleaned the sinks in my bathroom. The counters were all sparkling & the smell of bleach with a hint of lavender stunned the air.
I was exhausted......I laid down on the bed for 45 minutes until the pain in my arms, hips & chest went from a sharp, throbbing pain to just a dumbing pain.
I cleaned all of Kaden's books off the bed & went into the kitchen. Making lunch is such a pain in the you know what! It's a sandwich or left overs or a freakin' sandwich.
You know what? Let's go grab something!! I stuffed all of us.... yes, two dogs & all into the van.
I've noticed more hip pain lately, so driving has been more painful lately.
After 5 minutes of let's go here, I want this, shut up you picked last. I screamed the loudest & got what I wanted.
After lunch we did some school work. Skylar was on the computer, Mahala was reading about the Incus & Kaden was matching letters to pictures. I decided to hang with Kaden for awhile after I slugged back a handful of poison, I mean pills. They will get me through the day. HAHAHA
I just laid back into the corner part of our couch & watched all my kids. Mahala looked bored to death, but the anticipation of getting to go outside once her work was done made her eyes sparkle. Skylar, God Bless him looked lost, yet determined. How is that? He's my Son, he is so much like me. He fights to the end of anything. He is struggling a bit right now with the virtual program he is in. But, I admire the time & effort he is showing. Kaden is our little Einstein, I am amazed just watching him. He gets so involved in what he is working on. And the excitement that he has on his face always gives me hope.
I drifted off into a power nap that my body needed. My dream that day was me running through this house & meeting an older lady. She was showing me how to plant a vegetable garden. All of a sudden we were at her house & she gave me these huge flowers. I met a ton of people that were all crammed in her house. We laughed till we cried & then I woke up.
I actually woke up that day tired. Too much running I guess! HAHAHA
When everyone finished their school work we all came together & read from this new book series. And then picked up around the house before the Man came home.
I was too tired that night to make dinner. It was the night after my Methetrexate. So, Thanh made dinner. I was Thankful for him, I am Thankful for him. I didn't eat that night, I was too tired & felt flu like. It was the cleaning, the dreaming, the reading....it was all too much for me today. I laid back in the bed, my pod like area. I say that because I have 6 pillows that I have to put here & there to try & help me relax enough to sleep through the night. I also have a few blankets. One to use & then another to wrap my feet & one to go around my neck & chest area. I'm a freak I swear!!! Some nights I use all of them, even in the Summer. And some nights I can't because I sweat so bad I have to sleep sitting up beside the shower so I can get in & out to cool off.
Last night though I curled up with all my pillows into the fetal position. It lengthened my back & put pressure on my tummy. It was a one blanket night for me & the lights were out by 8pm. My last thought like every other night was tomorrow will be a better day, I just know it.

And I truly believe it when I'm curled up under the safety of my blankets.

Disease Sign up Sheet

So, my regular Dr. is on a year long sabbatical. I have not seen her in forever, because when you are sick your sick. I was sick of driving almost an hour to hear her say the same crap over & over. If you can’t fix it or make me feel better then I’ll just keep my co pay & go have a Coke & a smile……with fries too!
But, a friend of mine has been on my back to find another Dr. & even though I was reluctant I decided to give it a try. This Dr. was stepping in for my Rheumatologist while she was gone. Surprisingly he spent a little over an hour with me. Shock!!!! He looked over my lab tests & listened to me while taking notes. He watched my movements & then decided to give me a few more Diseases to add to my collection.
He talked to me about the increased pain & told me he believed that I also had Fibromyalgia & Rheumatoid Arthritis. I thought, what in the world am I going to do? I have too much on my plate as it is. I’m already limited; I can’t share any more time with my Diseased body.
I asked about my pain level & why nothing helps. I asked about the type of pain pills I’ve tried. He told me that this was my base line. This was as good as it gets. Are you freakin’ kidding me!!!!!! How is this possible? He told me that the ball game was just beginning for me. I asked him, if this is just the beginning then what the hell have I been doing the past 5 years. Hanging out at the concession stand???!!! WTF is he talking about? He laughed, but I swear I saw a little tearing in his eyes.
I could barely speak at this point. I mean what can you say at this point? What I want to scream is STOP, let me off this ride. I don’t want to ride this ride any more!!!!!! But, I can’t.
He also, told me that he was increasing my methetrexate. If you know what this is then you understand why I haven’t blogged. I cried at the thought of more poison flowing in my veins. More hair down the drain. Nights by the toilet & sheets being washed because of the sever night sweats. I have felt so drained & weak that the thought of sitting up & making a complete sentence was out of the question.
My body is adjusting to the chemo & all the other meds & now I’m armed to fight off my own immune system.
I can’t do anything but make the best of what I have. And I will, one pill at a time.

I'm a total Faker!

What is my problem people??? I’ve been running around like crazy trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I’m a total faker!!! I fake that I’m fine all the time. How do you feel………? Oh, I’m great how are you. Yes. I can do that for you, nooooooooo, I don’t need help. I feel great, much stronger then before!!!! BULL SHIT!!!!!!!
I feel like shit, I pray for death 3-4 days out of the week!!!!!!! What do you think of that??????? Put that in your pipe & smoke it!
I’m sorry; those of you that read here often know that I truly am a nice person, but WTF. Sometimes you need to let go. And I’m telling you now….I’m gonna be letting go a lot more around this place. I have toooooooooooooooo!!! I need toooooooooooooo!!! So, like it or not the true Manic must come out of the closet. I must be revealed or I will crumble from the inside out.

I know I told ya’ll that I went to the Dr. a few weeks ago. News wasn’t good & I am ready to deal with it. I have a ton of anger right now. And my pity party was big enough that I needed to do it in Private. Well, I’m done with the private one…I’m on to letting the world know.
Right know I am sorting my thoughts out, getting control of what I can. Which is not much, but it’s worth my weight in tears to try & take all that I can.

Looking for my Life...have you seen it?????

It's late & my head is spinning. I go up & down. Good days & bad days. My health acts like a bad Meteorologist is in charge of it. I wake up each morning wondering what the day has in store for me. I remember the days when all I had to worry about was not wanting to kill my kids. Now I have to worry about my body killing me. Interesting, I know. How life can change in the blink of an eye.
This is part of why I haven't written a lot lately. I'm tired of writing about my sick world of pain & fear. I am not that person. I don't want to be so out of control anymore. It's my life!!! I want to take it back, but there is no place to retrieve it. No one person that I can snatch it back from.
As a little girl living in a world of death & abuse I cried so many nights clinging onto the dream of my adult life. A life of my choices, my family, my work, my love, my health & happiness....that I controlled. Where is that life?
I went to the Doctor the other day. No good news to report. I can't talk about it right now. I have a Birthday party to plan for my Mahala. I must keep going. I must have life, my life. It must be normal, I have to be normal.

Strawberry Shortcake Panties

It's been a long time....I know. I feel guilt & relief to be back in the saddle again.
So much has gone on in the past month. I will need to divide it into more then one post.
Right now I am watching my beautiful daughter balancing on the beam. Dressed in all black like a ninja she says. Okay, ninja you will be I tell her all the time.
A few weeks ago my sweet daughter leaped into young womanhood. If you know what I mean? It was an easy experience for her, but a shocking one for me. I knew it was coming, she was the same exact age I was.
I was humiliated by my Mom, in a sweet way. I swore I would never do it to my daughter. But, look at me now.
I was in a Mom & Pop restaurant called the Frying Pan. My Mom went to the restroom with me that was located in the store room of the place. For days she had been scolding me for what she thought were "skid marks". So, I was proud to say to her LOOK, LOOK!! I told you I was wipeN' my butt! The look on her face is still so fresh in my mind. You would have thought she won the lottery. You want to know what happened next? She left me, left me right on the pot. I could hear her holler to my Dad that was probably scooping his last bit of eggs onto his fork. Fred, Fred.....Sheila started her period. I know that there are times in a persons life that no matter how much therapy, ice cream, pills, or even time can cover up the scar of life. This would be one of those situations.
I hear her way too clearly for her to have been close to my Father. She started yelling out his name before she turned the corner to the dining room. I wanted to sink into the bowl & some how flush it on the way down. But, that wasn't possible. So, after some self coaching I situated my yellow Strawberry Shortcake undies & walked that long walk back to the table. I was amazed as I walked around the corner. All eyes were on me. Almost everyone in there was over the age of 60. The women looked at me with a smile & would nod or pat the table. What the Hell? Believe it or not I heard more congratulations on my way to my table then I did after I walked down the aisle with my first husband. Enough said about that mess!! Even the men peeked over their papers for a quick nod or wink.
When I finally waddled to the table my Dad was grinning from ear to ear. He patted my hand & reached to hug me. He had tears in his eyes. His little girl was growing up. I can relate to how both my parents reacted. My Mom was crazy proud & my Dad felt like he was losing something.
My Dad took me to the store to get my stash. I didn't dare have my Mom take me. She would have had the whole store in search for the perfect pad for me. My Dad was simple & to the point. But, Mahala had me to do her shopping with her. I was the perfect combination of both my parents. Lucky for Her...........